They seem to continue asking me if I’m ok. They want to know what is wrong. Life I say. Life is wrong. Everything is wrong, yet I have so much. I am so damn grateful and thankful for all that I have. Maybe I am selfish for wanting more than I already have. I’d love to be at peace with myself, but why would I complain if I have a roof over my head? I’d love to not be in pain, but why would I complain if I have parents who love me so dearly? I’d love to feel like I am in control of my own body, but why would I complain if my heart is still beating? You see, I don’t like that question of “what’s wrong”. I do feel loved from their concern but also agitated from their disbelief when I tell them “nothing”.
What is even more frustrating is that everyone I meet, I tell them exactly who I am. I tell it as it is with no lies attached because if you don’t like my anger issues or overprotectiveness, then you sure as hell won’t like me, so don’t waste both of our times. When they agree that it is ok, they somehow get surprised when they find out I wasn’t lying. Then they show me who they really are and what they really want, and it makes sense why they would be ok with my insecurities, because it doesn’t seem like they would have to put up with it for long. Somehow anger and frustration arises from others when they realize that they provide no benefit to my problems. When people feel useless, they don’t like that. When they feel like they cannot help, they don’t like that either. Little do they comprehend (because I can assure you that they know) that I have been dealing with myself my entire life. Which means that I have figured out how to manage and control myself. I do not need anyone’s constant help for my constant problems. I just want their presence. I don’t want pity and I don’t want to talk about what is going on. I am not going through anything alone because I know that if I need someone, I can find anyone to help me. To provide me with advice because I am wise enough to know that everyone has something to offer; even the ones with nothing. I am understanding enough to know that without a constant friend to stay in my life with no drama, people are temporary. Whatever I go through is my own problem, so just be there.
Just be with me and sit with me and talk with me. Let’s just live life and watch movies and go on adventures instead of wallowing away in self-pity. I don’t know why that is so difficult. Things take time to understand. Things take patience to comprehend. I may think much differently and act very stupidly, but when it comes to surviving, that is one topic area you can call me a professional in. I have survived this long for a reason and no matter how much I waste the days away on pointless things, I know that one day I am destined to make a difference. As long as I am allowed to live, I will do what I can to help those around me. I will be the best I can be because I know what true pain, anger, and frustration feels like.
Life may seem bleak and low and dark, but it can also provide light and energy and love. If you allow life to grow into its fullest potential, you will be astounded of what there is to come. I already know the best things and the worse things you can have in life, because in my perspective I have had both. Therefore, nothing can truly surprise me because I am that much closer to my grave, as are we all. If you truly want to live, then live like you are in love with life. Live with passion and adrenaline and courage. Live now because tomorrow may not ever come. I may waste my days away, but I know that this is all happening for a reason. There is still so much to learn in life and hopefully one day I will know that feeling of truly living instead of merely surviving.
How do you and I survive? Faith. Faith that one day, we will truly live. If not I, then hopefully someone else that benefits from my help.